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Abuse : the ugly truth

Abuse is a devastating act of perversion perpetrated by unstable people. Although they pretend, they really don't care about their victim at all. The evidence is their behavior.

They may claim that they are acting out of love, fear or temporary insanity (i.e., drunkenness or jealousy). If it happens more than once, the person has a potential problem - don't allow it to be your problem!

Abusive personalities come in many forms. They can be romantic partners, family members, employers, co-workers, authority figures, neighbors, acquaintances, "friends", even yourself.

Tell-Tale Signs of an Abuser

  1. Violent outbursts.
  2. Attacks on your self-esteem or self-image. They belittle you to make you feel worthless.
  3. Attempts to separate you from your family and friends. You might call it possessiveness but it is much worse - they will go to great lengths to drive a wedge or destroy your personal relationships in order to dominate your life and keep those you love out of the picture.
  4. Claiming that YOU are the cause of THEIR bad behavior.
  5. Making you feel that YOU DESERVE bad treatment.
  6. Trying to create a situation where you'll be dependent on them.
  7. Lack of compassion.
  8. Using your emotions to keep you involved with them.
  9. They don't want to compromise, they want control.
  10. Making threats.
  11. Making you feel isolated thus vulnerable.
  12. Justifying bad behavior with excuses.

Do Not Excuse Abuse

Excuses are nothing more than a convenient "reason" to be exempt from accountability. You can give the benefit of the doubt for minor offenses - but not for severe behavior.

They justify their actions by claiming :

  • they were abused or unloved
  • they've had a hard life
  • they're stressed out
  • you're stupid, lazy, dull, incompetent or some other finger-pointing petty excuse to make it your fault.
  • they were intoxicated by some substance and "don't remember" or "didn't mean it".
  • they're sorry.

Realize that it is NOT the WHYs that matter - it is the 'WHAT IS' that matters. Pay close attention to 'what is' going on. Don't waste your energy on 'why'.

The Compassion Trap

A perpetrator counts on the goodness of others so they can exploit them. If they can get you to care, beware. They've won half the battle if you become emotionally attached to them. Your good nature can be used against you because YOU CARE...

"The poor thing just needs to be loved." WRONG! Women often fall into this trap. They think that their love can change a 'bad boy'. Well line up with the many others that have thought that and find yourself in a long-term miserable relationship - or with an emergency protective order, restraining order - or worse.

Feeling compassion or sorrow for someone IS NOT love, nor does it help them. Abusers obviously DO need help, but the odds are that they won't think so and they won't try to get it. They don't want help - they want control, they want to dominate and they want a victim.

Maybe they have had a hard life, many people do, but those with integrity rise above it, they don't take it out on others. Do you really want to suffer because of someone else's bully attitude?

Leave 'help' to the professionals who are not intimately involved. Don't set yourself up to become a potential victim.

note: It has been pointed out to me that by using the words 'compassion trap' as a headline, it could be construed that I'm being cold hearted. To clarify, I am referring to an abusive person, not to people in general. 

Free Yourself

First - acknowledge that YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. Do Not accept blame. Abusers try to gain power over you by making you think that YOU are the problem.

They are the cause of their own bad behavior. They make the choice of how to act or react. They alone are responsible for their actions, not you. You are responsible for your own actions. Are you compelled to abuse others?

Second - realize that you DON'T HAVE TO love them! If you have 'fallen' for a bully type - get out while you can or get used to misery.

You CAN fall in love with someone else - someone that has genuine love inside of them and the desire to share it.

Love yourself enough to expect respect. If a person isn't giving it to you, they are not your friend, they do not care and they do not deserve your time or energy. Move on.

Protect Yourself

  • Watch for red flags (the tell-tale signs).
  • Take the time to get to know a potential mate or partner. People can put on a front for awhile, but will eventually show their true colors.
  • Don't take people at face value. "You can't judge a book by its cover."
  • Do Not trust blindly.
  • Do not overlook lies. Do you really want to have an intimate relationship with someone you can't believe or trust? Trust is built on honesty - period.
  • Do not allow others to put you down. You have the same right as anyone to be loved, respected and treated with dignity. You don't have to settle for anything less.
  • Do not have children with a person until you know and trust them. Ideally, you would also be in a committed relationship with them. This is another way manipulators try to trap you. This keeps you involved with them in the long-term.
  • KNOW that true love is worth waiting for and you are worth it!

Return to Subconscious Clearing

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